Talking with Kids about Porn – Part 2

Last week we started talking about porn and the importance of talking about porn. If you missed the first instalment of this important topic you can find it here … This week Hugh Martin is helping us to look at some values around porn.

Is porn good or bad?

Many people have powerful and conflicting values about porn and ongoing debate is important – especially since as a society we have yet to address it to the same extent as alcohol, drugs, smoking and safe sex.

But internet porn is here to stay. While it is easy to get drawn into the good/bad debate you need to think carefully about your values about porn and to let your kids know what you think, what your concerns are, what would bother you about them watching porn.

Porn creates an opportunity for a valuable discussion around values at a time when kids are developing their own.

Rather than a discussion about good or bad, perhaps the right questions might be “it is legal?” and “is it right?”

Keeping safe with conversation

Kids dread “the chat”. It is a central source of humiliation for parents and kids and has been parodied on every sitcom. As a society we used to be very good at it and we have more than 7 billion of us to prove it.

We were good at it because we kept talking about it. In traditional societies, we once gathered to discuss lot of things. Central to the success of human beings is our ability to communicate.

Curiosity and compassion is the key here. Judgement, shouting and not listening will shut down the conversation, the young person will shut down, the parent won’t get any more info from them, the young person will hide their porn consumption, the parent won’t know what they are watching so they will less likely to be safe.

Extensive research shows that an active conversation is the most effective way of reducing the risks of harm for kids online as well as increasing the benefits of the online world. The more opportunities a young person has online the more resilient they become to risks.

One approach may be to have a conversation about internet skills: how can you tell whether a site is good or not, is a site free, if so who pays for the site, how to deal with pop-ups, how can you trust a link, is it an appropriate site, how can you update the virus software.

Filters can prevent young people from seeing pornographic material though interestingly research indicates that just using filters is not an effective way of reducing harm for young people online – filters can be fooled.

Another way to actively mediate young people’s use of porn, and their use of the internet in general, is to moderate their use of the internet.

Education is the key

Finding out that your kid has started watching porn is an opportunity for education. Porn is a poor educator. When young people are taught appropriate sex education, they have the baseline knowledge and understanding to be critical about the images they see.

Three tips to prepare you for talking about porn

1. Assume nothing

Before taking to your kids about porn you may want to define some terms. You might want to explore what they think porn means, what does it include, what are their first thoughts about it, what do they know, what would they like to know, is it right. This can help set the tone for the discussion and can help to establish an appropriate vocabulary.

2. Where do you stand?

You need to be sure of where you are first. What do you feel about porn, what are the issues you personally think are important. How are you going to manage what you feel personally when it comes to your values and what will work best for your family? To best prepare kids to handle sexual media, we need them to be critical and literate thinkers – we won’t do this by telling them what to think.

3. Test the water

If you have a partner, perhaps try this out with them first or with some friends. This is a chance to get comfortable talking about the issues, taking time to establish an appropriate vocabulary and dealing with questions about it or challenging people’s views about it.

Stay tuned for next week’s four tips for keeping the conversation going with your children.

For more information about Hugh Martin, check out his website – www.manenough.com.au.